Post by Seira on Jul 23, 2006 23:45:35 GMT -5
Alright. To understand why I'm so petrified to say anything, I'll have to explain part of a different situation... so this post will be long.
Really long, most likely.
Alright, so last year, my friend started sending me scary notes, about how upset she was, about how she had a "broken heart and a wounded soul", and she kept them coming. But every time I asked her why, she found a way to get around it. She never acted like this in real time... it was only on the internet and through her notes, which was really frustrating.
I had one friend who wasn't sure on what was going on, and she asked me about her a few times. In the end, I was always crying and I could never tell her what was wrong.
This friend asked me about it in my backyard one day, the day before my family was going to Japan for a vacation [my mom's Japanese]. My dad overheard, and asked me about it... and I told him. I mean, he's my dad.
But my depressed friend didn't seem to get it. She got pretty angry at me, and she only dropped it when my other friends backed me up, saying that they were about to tell their parents, too. I told her how upset I was for months because I had kept her secret about her cutting, her notes, and all that stuff... and I finally broke down. I told her that I was sorry that my dad cared when he saw his daughter bawling, too.
But that incident really scared me, and now I'm afraid to say anything around her that involves her discomfort... because I really cherish her - I only have about four people that I really consider friends, and she's one of them. I would do pretty much anything for them, like I'm sure that anyone says... and I just felt like I had really hurt her and she didn't trust me anymore after I told her that my dad knew and was ready to call her dad if she did anything else that was serious.
And this year she told me that she didn't think she was skinny enough. I was thinking, "Ridiculous! She's not much bigger than me!" And after that, she didn't say anything...
Until Thursday night. She told me that she picked up anorexia for a little while and dropped from 123 to 116, and she still only lets her eat a portion of what she used to when she's hungry. I told her that she was so pretty, and not many girls in school have that. She had three guys liking her at the same time, and probably more that didn't admit it. She has the greatest personality in the world - she's the only person in the world that doesn't bring down my self confidence, even though nobody else means it of course. She really makes me feel good about myself.
In my eyes, she's perfect, but everything I say she counters. I'm so scared that she hates herself, because she's such a wonderful person. I told her that she was so pretty, and she said that she thought I was fifty times prettier and then said that her thighs are huge. I told her that her weight was the skinniest that she could get and be healthy, and she said that she would rather be underweight like me.
And it clicked then. All of my friends have thought that they were fat, and I'm so ashamed of myself because I truly think that they think that because they're comparing themselves to me. I don't want to be their idea of beauty because I'm the one that's unhealthy, paranoid, and unhappy every time I even think about weight, because I can't remember the last time I gained a pound and kept it... but I didn't realize that I was making the people that I wanted to protect so unhappy, and you can't protect someone if you're the thing that's hurting them.
I need advice, but more than "just go talk to her" or "tell someone if you're that worried". I'm just so scared from last time, and I know it's selfish, but I don't want to lose her. I feel enough like a failure already, with being the first to give up last time and the fact that she thinks I'm everything she's not, which isn't true at all. If getting her to hate me is the only way... then I'll do it. But there has to be something else... isn't there?
I hope so...
Really long, most likely.
Alright, so last year, my friend started sending me scary notes, about how upset she was, about how she had a "broken heart and a wounded soul", and she kept them coming. But every time I asked her why, she found a way to get around it. She never acted like this in real time... it was only on the internet and through her notes, which was really frustrating.
I had one friend who wasn't sure on what was going on, and she asked me about her a few times. In the end, I was always crying and I could never tell her what was wrong.
This friend asked me about it in my backyard one day, the day before my family was going to Japan for a vacation [my mom's Japanese]. My dad overheard, and asked me about it... and I told him. I mean, he's my dad.
But my depressed friend didn't seem to get it. She got pretty angry at me, and she only dropped it when my other friends backed me up, saying that they were about to tell their parents, too. I told her how upset I was for months because I had kept her secret about her cutting, her notes, and all that stuff... and I finally broke down. I told her that I was sorry that my dad cared when he saw his daughter bawling, too.
But that incident really scared me, and now I'm afraid to say anything around her that involves her discomfort... because I really cherish her - I only have about four people that I really consider friends, and she's one of them. I would do pretty much anything for them, like I'm sure that anyone says... and I just felt like I had really hurt her and she didn't trust me anymore after I told her that my dad knew and was ready to call her dad if she did anything else that was serious.
And this year she told me that she didn't think she was skinny enough. I was thinking, "Ridiculous! She's not much bigger than me!" And after that, she didn't say anything...
Until Thursday night. She told me that she picked up anorexia for a little while and dropped from 123 to 116, and she still only lets her eat a portion of what she used to when she's hungry. I told her that she was so pretty, and not many girls in school have that. She had three guys liking her at the same time, and probably more that didn't admit it. She has the greatest personality in the world - she's the only person in the world that doesn't bring down my self confidence, even though nobody else means it of course. She really makes me feel good about myself.
In my eyes, she's perfect, but everything I say she counters. I'm so scared that she hates herself, because she's such a wonderful person. I told her that she was so pretty, and she said that she thought I was fifty times prettier and then said that her thighs are huge. I told her that her weight was the skinniest that she could get and be healthy, and she said that she would rather be underweight like me.
And it clicked then. All of my friends have thought that they were fat, and I'm so ashamed of myself because I truly think that they think that because they're comparing themselves to me. I don't want to be their idea of beauty because I'm the one that's unhealthy, paranoid, and unhappy every time I even think about weight, because I can't remember the last time I gained a pound and kept it... but I didn't realize that I was making the people that I wanted to protect so unhappy, and you can't protect someone if you're the thing that's hurting them.
I need advice, but more than "just go talk to her" or "tell someone if you're that worried". I'm just so scared from last time, and I know it's selfish, but I don't want to lose her. I feel enough like a failure already, with being the first to give up last time and the fact that she thinks I'm everything she's not, which isn't true at all. If getting her to hate me is the only way... then I'll do it. But there has to be something else... isn't there?
I hope so...