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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 1, 2006 16:06:51 GMT -5
One of my best friends, also my exgirlfriend whom im still very much in love with, died this past week. It hurts so much I dont think I can take it. i promised her I'd stop cutting and I really really want to keep that promise but I cant. I need to cut to get through this.
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Post by Beautiful Disaster on Aug 1, 2006 16:15:20 GMT -5
thats soo terrible Loosing someone is like the worst thing in the world. Do you really need to cut to get thru it tho? Theres other things you can do *hugs*
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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 1, 2006 16:29:56 GMT -5
I know that there are other things i could do and that i dont really need to cut and I know I make it worse on myself by not trying to help myself by looking at pictures of me and her or reading old emails and then going off and being by myself instead of staying around others or staying on the computer but cutting makes me feel better. I mean I know that its only a temporary relief but thats better than no relief at all.
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Post by Beautiful Disaster on Aug 1, 2006 16:55:11 GMT -5
Maybe take a break from reading the e-mail and looking at photos until you can find another way to deal with it?
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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 1, 2006 17:16:06 GMT -5
I know I should and ive tried to but its like I cant. I dont know how to explain it its just like I cant control myself I have to keep reading and looking at the pictures. Sorry if that doesnt make sense I dont know how else to explain it.
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Post by WilD CherrY on Aug 1, 2006 19:24:57 GMT -5
Its hard to control so dont feel bad or nething, with work u can learn to control it.
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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 1, 2006 19:41:12 GMT -5
ok.
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Post by martin on Aug 2, 2006 0:39:54 GMT -5
Im not a 'cutter' but if u ever just wanna talk u can pm me
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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 2, 2006 0:55:45 GMT -5
ok thanks
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Post by -‰KillerStyle‰- on Aug 2, 2006 8:08:52 GMT -5
Its only been a week these emotion are still raw and need time to heal. Im sorry to hear about this My ex boyfriend died in a car accident 4 years ago and I still get teared up about it and I have cut before because of it but I knew how much it would hurt him to see me to do that and it motivated me to stop. Have you seen any grief counsellers?
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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 2, 2006 13:43:47 GMT -5
Im so sorry about your exbf *hugs*
no i havent seen a grief councellor(sp?)
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dee__x
Newbie
we've been walking barefoot all summer
Posts: 34
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Post by dee__x on Aug 2, 2006 14:04:08 GMT -5
It's perfectly understandable that you would feel as if you 'need' to keep looking back at the photographs and emails; now she's gone it's like these things are a visual lifeline that keeps you connected to her. As long as you can see her face and read her words, it's like she's not really gone at all.
This is fine, if all you're doing is remembering, but unfortunately, this is not the case. Looking at these things is causing you actual, unbearable pain, and as long as you persist in torturing yourself all day long, there's no way you're going to be able to move on.
Right now, not moving on might seem like the perfect way to live; because of course you don't want to accept it, or forget about it. I mean, this is someone you obviously care about and love dearly, and the idea of moving on with your life seems to coincide with the idea of forgetting about her.
However, as long as you are dwelling on this, you are going to be in pain. Everyone on this earth requires an escape from pain, and yours [as you have said] is cutting.
This is the only reason why I think you need to start spending time away from her memory. As long as you are thinking about her, and thinking about how much it hurts, you are only going to be causing yourself more pain; and, as long as you are causing yourself mental anguish, you are going to need an escape from this; which means more cutting.
I have no right whatsoever to tell you to move on with your life, and I mean no disrespect by suggesting you do so. I simply think that maybe you need to spend a little time with your other friends.
I also lost my best friend, and, though it's often incredibly hard to accept, she is gone and, right now, looking at her photo will only cause pain. Believe me when I say that in a few years, you will be very grateful for those photos, and you will be able to remember her in a positive way.
Moving on doesn't mean that you are forgetting her, or trying to forget her; it just shows how strong you are and how strong you can be.
Think how proud she would be if you stopped cutting for good.
Please please let me know how you are feeling today.
Dee xx
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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 2, 2006 16:37:54 GMT -5
Im so sorry about your friend. *hugs*
I try to do other things but the problem is if im not on the computer all i can do is sleep or cut and if I am on the computer im instantly drawn to reading emails from her and looking at pictures of her. This past year all my real friends left me because ive been acting really stupid this year the only friends i have left are like friends i go to parties with and get drugs from so I dont want to spend time with them right now. And I couldnt really go anywhere if I had friends anyways since I have to be here for my little sisters, even though i havent been taking the best care of them this past week.
I know she'd be proud of me for not cutting and i want to stop to make her proud so badly but its just so hard and then when i do do it knowing shed be dissapointed in me makes me feel worse and do it more. I know that sounds stupid.
Im not feeling so good right now because i just woke up from a really scary nightmare.
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Post by Beautiful Disaster on Aug 2, 2006 20:37:55 GMT -5
Next time you cut just stop and thinking, Control yourself as much as you can and try really hard to find something else to distract you, Go see your sisters and watch TV with them or drink a big glass of water and force yourself to think about something else.
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dee__x
Newbie
we've been walking barefoot all summer
Posts: 34
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Post by dee__x on Aug 3, 2006 1:54:01 GMT -5
Don't worry about my friend; I've had a very long time to work through the pain and I'm at the point now where whenever I think of her, I feel happy. I promise you'll feel the same way very soon.
The main thing now is for you to stop cutting [and it's truly ridiculous that I just put that so simply, because obviously nothing is that easy- especially breaking free of an addiction, which this essentially is]
The problem is, you're stuck in a cycle. Every time you think of her, you feel pain, you need a release from this pain, you cut. Not only is this damaging you, it's also associating her memory with this pain. Think how sad she would feel to know that you can't even think about her without causing yourself physical harm. No one wants that for you hun.
Is there anyone you can talk to, like a parent? Or maybe even one of your sisters? I remember when my friend died, it was actually my younger sister who finally got me talking; asking her innocent and inquisitive little questions. Or do you feel you can't talk to anyone you know about it? Because for a long time, I was that way; I felt like my friend dying was some dirty little secret that I shouldn't mention. Every time someone said her name I would totally freeze up- and heaven forbid, the song played at her funeral should come on the radio.
Just three words; It gets better. And two more; Believe me.
Sometimes, just writing down your feelings can do a world of good. Have you tried writing a letter to her? You don't even have to talk to her about her death, or about how you're hurting, but why not tell her how much you apreciated her as a friend and how much you love her. It might just help to get things off your chest.
Let me know if this helps at all *hugs hun*
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Post by xbrokenxdreams on Aug 3, 2006 2:10:01 GMT -5
I cant talk to my parents. My dad left a long time ago and i haven heard from her since and my moms not there for me in that way, or any way really. When I told her about Katie dying, because she was yelling at me for moping around, she said "good one less sicko(since shes a lesbian) in the world". My little sisters are 6 and 8 so i cant really talk to them about this. Even if I did have someone in real life I could talk to about this I probably wouldnt. I usually tend to keep things to myself. And the guilt I feel about her death would probably keep me from mentioning it as well.
I did write her a letter. I posted it on here too in my journal thingy.
Just hearing you say that youve been in the pain im in now and are happy now makes me feel a little better. thanks.
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Post by ::Bittersweet Poet:: on Aug 3, 2006 6:51:16 GMT -5
Losing someone you loved is the worst thing any person can imagine. And as your mum seems to not be supportive at all, it's even harder for you. Personally, I think it should not be forbidden to love anyone, even if she's the same sex as you.
But cutting won't get you anywhere. Try not to do atleast for her. You promised her you wouldn't and she would have hated seeing you like this. So don't. Try to show your emotion in other ways, like drawing, writting songs or poetry. Also, you should find a hobby, just to keep your mind of it. Horserifing always helped me forget about it all, atleast for a while. You should try it. If you have other friends, go out and talk as much as you can. And if noone understands, meet new people. The world is big.
Sadly noone ever gets over a loss. But time helps. Just stay clear of knives and blades...they are one thing that won't get you anywhere...
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