Post by Beautiful Disaster on Dec 10, 2006 5:54:32 GMT -5
IM NOT SURE IF THIS SHOULD BE IN RELATIONSHIPS OR ABUSE.
So I'll let a mod decide.
It starts out with small things. Things that bother you but don't necessarily freak you out enough to do anything about them. Your partner might cuss you out for talking to another person at a party and then apologize right away. You are told not to wear that dress or to stop seeing a particular friend. The two of you are goofing around and a pinch -- just a little too hard -- evokes a laugh when you say, "Stop."
Harmless? Hardly. In all likelihood, these kinds of behaviors mean something is wrong. According to experts who work with issues of abuse in relationships, these are warning signs, telling you there's a potentially big problem with the relationship you're in.
It's a common misconception that abusive relationships are mainly a problem among older adults, but the truth is, many straight, bi or gay teens and young adults endure various degrees of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or a combination of these from their intimate partners on a regular basis. "Abusive relationships occur between all ages."
Although abuse against boys and young men does occur, females represent the nine out of 10 victims. According to a 1995 Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, 40 percent of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 reported knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. Often, nobody else -- not parents, friends or teachers -- knows what's going on until things get desperately bad. By then, it may be too late. Abuse is now the number one cause of injury among women; more than auto accidents, mugging and rapes combined.
What Is an Abusive Relationship?
Abuse can take various forms, including
Often, abuse starts with jealousy and possessiveness. "Watch out," when your partner "treats you one way in public and another way in private. This is a sign that your partner is trying to establish control over you and the relationship, and that's the furthest thing from a healthy relationship."
Who's an Abuser?
You're not alone if you're confused by the fact that your abusive partner is the perfect, easy-going, popular guy when he's around your family and friends. John Beem, the executive director of Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) in San Francisco, stresses that many of the younger and older men he sees at his agency have a problem with abusive behavior only in their romantic or sexual relationships with their partners and not in any other way.
"They're not getting in fights with their friends or with people at work, and they're not punching out the policeman on the corner. Where they are [abusive] is with their partner ... where, in general, there are [fewer] witnesses," says Beem.
Often, once people begin to recognize that their partners are abusive toward them, they're still hesitant to leave. The reasons range from fear of retaliation to mistakenly believing that they're causing their partner's behavior. "They begin to feel like maybe they did something wrong, and maybe they brought it upon themselves," says Freeman.
Many young people also believe they can help their partner to become a better person. The problem, Freeman explains, is that "you can't really help the person unless they're open to getting help."
"Unfortunately," says Freeman, "victims of abuse often get more isolated when they stick with partners who don't enter into some kind of counseling program." And that's often when some of the worst abuse starts to happen.
What Are Your Options?
If you realize you're in an abusive relationship, reach out for support right away. Freeman says that friends can be a big help in listening to you and paying attention to what's going on. He adds, "Young people need to encourage and support each other. And young men need to realize they can help stop [abuse among their peers]."
Ultimately, you may need some intervention and assistance that goes beyond the support of your friends. If you're not comfortable talking with your parents, approach a school counselor, health education teacher, or someone at a domestic violence and rape crisis center who can direct you toward some counseling and give you good advice on how to break off the relationship as safely as possible.
For younger gays or lesbians, abusive relationships can be even more confusing and humiliating because of the fear of being judged or persecuted for having a same-sex relationship. Often, friends or family may not know about your sexual orientation. Experts advise that it's important to seek out counseling from a gay-friendly youth or community center. Most domestic violence agencies today are very well-informed about specific issues facing gay and lesbian couples and can also be of help.
Counselors and domestic violence agencies can also direct your abusive partner toward groups that can help them change their destructive behavior and help them work toward creating healthier relationships.
If you need referrals or even just someone to talk to about abuse in your relationship, call (800) 838-8238. That will connect you with the Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline for the State of Virginia. They accept calls from all over the country and can help you find the resources you need in your own community.
Are You in an Abusive Relationship?
YES if your intimate partner, boyfriend or girlfriend has
So I'll let a mod decide.
Crossing the Line: How to Tell if You're in an Abusive Relationship
It starts out with small things. Things that bother you but don't necessarily freak you out enough to do anything about them. Your partner might cuss you out for talking to another person at a party and then apologize right away. You are told not to wear that dress or to stop seeing a particular friend. The two of you are goofing around and a pinch -- just a little too hard -- evokes a laugh when you say, "Stop."
Harmless? Hardly. In all likelihood, these kinds of behaviors mean something is wrong. According to experts who work with issues of abuse in relationships, these are warning signs, telling you there's a potentially big problem with the relationship you're in.
It's a common misconception that abusive relationships are mainly a problem among older adults, but the truth is, many straight, bi or gay teens and young adults endure various degrees of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or a combination of these from their intimate partners on a regular basis. "Abusive relationships occur between all ages."
Although abuse against boys and young men does occur, females represent the nine out of 10 victims. According to a 1995 Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, 40 percent of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 reported knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. Often, nobody else -- not parents, friends or teachers -- knows what's going on until things get desperately bad. By then, it may be too late. Abuse is now the number one cause of injury among women; more than auto accidents, mugging and rapes combined.
What Is an Abusive Relationship?
Abuse can take various forms, including
- physical abuse (any forceful physical behavior).
- sexual abuse (any nonconsenting or intentionally humiliating sexual act or behavior).
- threats of abuse (threats to do harm to partner, friends, family or self).
- psychological abuse (regular verbal abuse that causes fear and humiliation).
Often, abuse starts with jealousy and possessiveness. "Watch out," when your partner "treats you one way in public and another way in private. This is a sign that your partner is trying to establish control over you and the relationship, and that's the furthest thing from a healthy relationship."
Who's an Abuser?
You're not alone if you're confused by the fact that your abusive partner is the perfect, easy-going, popular guy when he's around your family and friends. John Beem, the executive director of Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) in San Francisco, stresses that many of the younger and older men he sees at his agency have a problem with abusive behavior only in their romantic or sexual relationships with their partners and not in any other way.
"They're not getting in fights with their friends or with people at work, and they're not punching out the policeman on the corner. Where they are [abusive] is with their partner ... where, in general, there are [fewer] witnesses," says Beem.
Often, once people begin to recognize that their partners are abusive toward them, they're still hesitant to leave. The reasons range from fear of retaliation to mistakenly believing that they're causing their partner's behavior. "They begin to feel like maybe they did something wrong, and maybe they brought it upon themselves," says Freeman.
Many young people also believe they can help their partner to become a better person. The problem, Freeman explains, is that "you can't really help the person unless they're open to getting help."
"Unfortunately," says Freeman, "victims of abuse often get more isolated when they stick with partners who don't enter into some kind of counseling program." And that's often when some of the worst abuse starts to happen.
What Are Your Options?
If you realize you're in an abusive relationship, reach out for support right away. Freeman says that friends can be a big help in listening to you and paying attention to what's going on. He adds, "Young people need to encourage and support each other. And young men need to realize they can help stop [abuse among their peers]."
Ultimately, you may need some intervention and assistance that goes beyond the support of your friends. If you're not comfortable talking with your parents, approach a school counselor, health education teacher, or someone at a domestic violence and rape crisis center who can direct you toward some counseling and give you good advice on how to break off the relationship as safely as possible.
For younger gays or lesbians, abusive relationships can be even more confusing and humiliating because of the fear of being judged or persecuted for having a same-sex relationship. Often, friends or family may not know about your sexual orientation. Experts advise that it's important to seek out counseling from a gay-friendly youth or community center. Most domestic violence agencies today are very well-informed about specific issues facing gay and lesbian couples and can also be of help.
Counselors and domestic violence agencies can also direct your abusive partner toward groups that can help them change their destructive behavior and help them work toward creating healthier relationships.
If you need referrals or even just someone to talk to about abuse in your relationship, call (800) 838-8238. That will connect you with the Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline for the State of Virginia. They accept calls from all over the country and can help you find the resources you need in your own community.
Are You in an Abusive Relationship?
YES if your intimate partner, boyfriend or girlfriend has
- withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment.
- continually criticized you, called you names, shouted at you.
- ignored your feelings regularly.
- ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, class, or sexual preference.
- been very jealous -- harassed you about imagined affairs.
- manipulated you with lies.
- insisted you dress the way he or she wants.
- humiliated you in private or public.
- insulted or drove away your friends or family.
- taken car keys or money away.
- subjected you to reckless driving.
- thrown objects at you.
- abused pets to hurt you.
- punched, shoved, slapped, bit, kicked, choked or hit you.
- raped you or subjected you to other violent or degrading non-consensual sexual acts.
- threatened to commit suicide if you leave.