Kat
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Post by Kat on May 2, 2006 18:50:24 GMT -5
OK...some of you may have noticed me mention one of my friends whose name is Sara. Well...Sara's really, really dependant. For instance, she might say to me, "Kat, will you come to the bathroom with me?" I would love to say, "um, no, Sara, you're a big girl--go do that yourself."
And yet, I find that I simply cannot. Sara always has to follow someone around, and it's either me or my other friend Jess. But for the past two weeks, it's been me, and I'm really not sure what to think of it. Personally, I don't mind right now. I'm tolerant, and I really don't care that much. But then again, there are times when I am tempted to turn around and scream at her to get her own life. I would say that Sara is a very emotionally insecure person. Although she does not realize it, and is in complete denial, I know that it's true, and it's very clear to me.
Sara follows me around like a shadow. She always waits for me to be ready after classes; if I leave first, I don't usually wait for her. I have nothing against her, but I just wish that I didn't always have to be in a group with Sara. If I do leave first, though, she catches up to me as fast as she can.
One thing that I am extremely proud of is my independence. I am indignant sometimes, actually, just to protect my independence. I want people to understand that I don't have to rely on people, and half of the time, I feel anti-social and don't even seek human companionship. Sara is the complete opposite; she must always have someone to follow around, and always have someone there with her.
Personally, I think that she needs help. I think (as does my friend, Jess) that she is either mentally or psychologically...well, damaged. Although I sometimes enjoy her company, I also feel like it is a violation of my independence, of my personal space. It's not a huge problem or anything, but I'm afraid that Jess and I are quite tolerant. I fear somewhat for her, because I know that not everybody in life is quite so tolerant. Furthermore, chances are that Sara will be going to a different high school next year than Jess and I, and I don't think there will be many people there that she knows, let alone who will be willing to have her follow them around.
Sara is so desperate to have someone to follow her around that she will put herself in harm's way (in other words, she will be friends with Sam, who has anger management issues) and unhealthy relationships just to satisfy the need, and Jess and I almost feel that we have no choice but to be friends with her.
I would confront her, but the thing is, I know she wouldn't take it very well. Sara is almost like, well, a five year old, in so many ways. For instance, with Sam, we were having a conversation about it, and I said that I thought that maybe she was just a little afraid of Sam. She freaked out at me and argued that she was not. What I mean is, she's very close-minded. It's not so much for my sake, but also for her sake and Jess's sake, that I want to somehow help her out of this problem, but I have no idea how. I think she has a major disorder of some sort and I don't think I'm the kind of help she needs.
Any advice?
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Post by Beautiful Disaster on May 2, 2006 19:42:30 GMT -5
At her home does she not get the attention that she needs? I used to have a friend like that but she was like that because at home she was ignored. She might also have social anxitey so she needs to be around someone she knows or else she feels overwhelmed. If you don't say anything to her now your going to let it build up (like you have been already) and you will just explode on her. I would tell her right away to avoid being harsh well telling her. Let her know that you like your independance and as a friend you expect her to respect that. Its not her fault that you don't want to hang out with her or have her follow you around like your second shadow it's because you like to be indendent and having your alone time is important to you. I would make sure she knows that also. If she doesn't go to your school next year imagine how shes going to feel in a new school with no friends? You as a friend should help her stop being a 'hip magnet' before next year of shes going to have alot of problems. I hope I've helped some. Even write her a note if you feel uncomfertable saying it to her face but make sure you explain that its not her its because you want her respect as a friend to respect your independance.
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Kat
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Post by Kat on May 2, 2006 20:06:32 GMT -5
*sighs* Although I would normally do that without even worrying about it, the issue here is that if I do that to her now, she will just walk away from me and turn to Jess, like she always does. Sara...I don't know, I just can't get through to her. As said earlier, I think that what she needs is professional help--something a lot more complicated than the support I can offer her as a friend. Sara is in a real psychological state (at least the way I see it, and Jess, too), and I really don't think there's much I can do for her...
The thing you said about possibly not going to the same school as me next year, that's exactly why I want to correct the problem. I think that Sara lies to herself--on the outside, she tries to think that she could so easily be popular and whatnot (I'm in the 'low league' at school, lol...I'm not considered to be 'cool'), but she knows that deep down inside, most people evade her. I know for a fact that she has an extremely low self esteem. One time she told me she hated herself, and when I asked why, she started this long list; "I'm ugly, I'm stupid, boys don't like me..."
She feels like trash. I think that part of it is following someone around who she aspires to be like. I mean, there's nothing special about me, not many guys have liked me either, and I wouldn't consider myself to be really pretty or anything, and it's not as if I'm an Honour Roll student...I get really good grades and stuff, but I'm not, like, amazing at anything. It's not as though I have a whole bunch of people that like me, and I'm definitely not saying I do, but I have a very high self esteem and I really don't care what other people think or anything like that. I think she wishes she were like me, and she could be like that.
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Post by !Dances With Hamsters! on May 3, 2006 6:23:19 GMT -5
Have you ever thought about talking to your school counseller about it so they can talk to her? I think that would be a better idea if you feel you can't handle her on her own and thinks she needs more professional help. She would never know it was you that told the counseller.
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Kat
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Post by Kat on May 3, 2006 16:03:28 GMT -5
Here's the thing: our school counsellor, well, sucks. I'm sorry to say it but she's no help at all! You might have seen my thread about the whole Sam thing? Well, anyway, she suggested strategies for inclusion. A girl who was trying to beat me up, who I didn't want to be friends with anymore, and I was supposed to use strategies for inclusion to make things better. She also tells me to ignore my problems. Pfft! Yeah, right. Like that's going to help! Basically...I've seen her a lot. She thinks Sara and I are best friends, and I really don't think she would talk to her. Chances are she would do something more like tell me to use the "I message." Of course, that would never work: "Sara, the way you act makes me think that you have mental/psychological issues and I don't like it. I would like it if you got some professional help." o.o; Thanks for the suggestion, though.
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Post by Beautiful Disaster on May 4, 2006 6:38:48 GMT -5
LOL Talk to your princable or teacher maybe? I don't think this would go over well "Sara, the way you act makes me think that you have mental/psychological issues and I don't like it. I would like it if you got some professional help." Maybe say something like "I think you have some things going on that you need to get some help with maybe you should try talking to someone about it" I dont know what you can do. She would annoy the hell out of me if that was my friend.
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Kat
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Post by Kat on May 5, 2006 15:16:36 GMT -5
Hmm...that's actually a good idea! Didn't think of saying that...maybe I'll try it sometime...
Although, part of it is that every time I open my mouth to tell her...I just get afraid of how she might react. It's like, "Sara ... [long pause] ... nevermind."
If I did do that, though, I suppose she would question me...I wonder what I would say then...
Part of it is that, well, when Sara was seven, her sister [nine at the time] died in a car crash. I don't think she's ever gotten over the grief; I think that it lives on today, and she looks for people to lean on that have the same characteristics as her sister.
I actually asked her about it once, if she did that, and she said that that's exactly what she did.
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Post by -‰KillerStyle‰- on May 6, 2006 2:40:41 GMT -5
In that case I kind of feel bad for her BUT she needs to move on and deal with her grieving better then she is by attaching to people and being overbearing. Maybe suggest some grief counselling. If it was my friend I would say something because Im looking out for them and they wouldn't be angry or upset with me because they know I only have the best for them in my heart and I would never ask them to do something that they didn't want to or was harmful to themselves. I think its best for you to help her so she can stop being your shadow and be strong enough to live her own life. Chances are she will be this way when she grows up and will create alot of problems with boyfriends and work because she may become TOO attached and alot of people don't like that.
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Kat
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Post by Kat on May 6, 2006 8:50:10 GMT -5
The thing about her sister...it's just, well, that was when she was seven. Now, she's thirteen. It's just...six years ago. I know she'll deny it. She'll say she misses her sister, but it's not affecting her right now.
Maybe what I just need is the right way to say it... *thinks*
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Post by !Dances With Hamsters! on May 6, 2006 19:53:21 GMT -5
Sarah, I understand that you are upset about your sister still whether or not you want to admit it but I see it when I look at you. All the hurt and pain you feel it shows. You can't cover it up. As a friend I think you should see a grieving couseller or talk to someone about it. Your such a good friend to me and I don't want to see you suffer and be upset........
Something like that?
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Kat
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Post by Kat on May 7, 2006 19:22:29 GMT -5
That's good! *hesitates* OK, I'll try to get up the guts to say that! Thanks, Dr. Phil!
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Post by -‰KillerStyle‰- on May 7, 2006 20:45:32 GMT -5
That's good! *hesitates* OK, I'll try to get up the guts to say that! Thanks, Dr. Phil! You should let us know how it goes.
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Kat
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Post by Kat on May 8, 2006 19:27:03 GMT -5
Thanks, I will... *hesitates*
I'm just so scared to say it, you know? I don't want her to hate me afterwards or something, and the thing is, I'm afraid that if I say that, she'll just go follow Jess around all over the place. Although it would be a lot better for me, as this nearly three-week period has been extremely tiring, the problem won't be solved, which is what I really want. I often think it's impossible, but maybe, if she gets the help she needs...
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Post by Dreamers Dream on May 20, 2006 22:00:09 GMT -5
Even if she does hate you afterwards you have to do it for yourself. She seems to be a type of burden on you by following you around all the time. I know I'm late to respond so I'm wondering if you have said anything to her yet or if something has happened with the whole thing.
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Kat
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Post by Kat on May 23, 2006 15:05:16 GMT -5
I haven't told her yet, and this is why.
She generally comes over to my house once a week. I want to do it on one of these occassions so that I'm away from anyone else who might comment and there's nothing to distract her. Last week, I was sick, so this week, I'll try and maybe bring it up. Her former best friend was talking to me and she said that one time she suggested it to Sara, and she listened and everything, but she felt very uncomfortable.
I also have some bad news--it sounds like she'll be going to my high school next year. If she's even in ONE of my classes, I know we'll be together for EVERYTHING. *groans* So yes, And The Dreamers Dream, I will have to do this for myself.
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