Post by Br0ken_xoxo on May 6, 2006 10:18:36 GMT -5
--Sorry this is long. I'd really appreciate it if you took the time out of your life to listen to my endless complaints..--
I'm one of thoes people in school who is always picked on, weather its becuase of my friends the way I dress or how I look.
I dont have alot of friends and it seems I lose them once they get really close. I have about 3 close friends and 1 best friend who is moving in the end of July. I'm really shy untill you get to know me.. so it seems.
I hate being alone and at time it seems unless I change who I am, thats all I'll ever be. If I want people to talk to me I have to act like an idiot who turns everything into a sex joke, acts like a very *friendly* person, even started a rumor about myself that I can be seen in pornos on lime wire, and I really hate myself for thinking this is the only way to get noticed.
I dont live with my parents ever since my dad kiddnapped me when I was younger, they are divorced now (and have been for almost 8 years) and constantly complaining about money issues. Sometimes I think that I'm more of an adult than my mom and I'm constantly babysitting her. I live with other relatives who complain that their both too old to be raising a child and that I'm lazy and good for nothing around here, a waste of their time, money and energy.
I fall asleep crying most nights not having anything to do. I have a boy friend who moved to canada, I live in the states, and it really hurts to not be able to see him, and only talk to him on the computer. He is the only person I really talk to and when he's not home I have no one. I dont talk to my friends out side of school for the most part.
Sometimes I wish I got raped, or pregnant just for the attention..
I have resorted to books because its the only thing that takes my mind off things lately even though I hate to read. It allowes me to escape from the screaming I get from the moment I walk in the door till I fall asleep and sometimes it just gets too much.
I have so much bottled up but I dont have friends or family close enough that I feel comfortable talking about my problems with. I guess I feel more comfortable with complete strangers who dont know me with whom I can be completely honest with.
I get depressed alot and I dont know why, sometimes I think it's just because I'm alone but when ever I want to do things with people suddenly their busy or they jsut cant. All I am is a back up for people. I'm only good enough when there is no one else around. I never get to talk or express anything because I'm always just ignored or interupted. I feel like I'm so alone that it hurts.
My dad turning on me doesnt help much either. A few months ago he bought a house with his soon to be new wife and wastes all his money on her even though he cant afford it. Recently she's been hospitalized and he bought a plane ticket to go visit her there, when his landlord asked for rent he said his Girl Friend is his highest priority, when asked "What about your daughter?" he relpys with "she has her mother and everyone else." It's bad enough I have friends that dont care about me, but that hit me pretty hard.
There is so much more I want to say but it gets harder and harder for me to think. I just want to get as far away from here as possible. College seems so far away and I want it so bad.
If you have come this far in reading, thank you and if you have any "tips" or "ideas" on anything to get me out of this endless cycle of depression and lies I would really appreciate it..
I'm one of thoes people in school who is always picked on, weather its becuase of my friends the way I dress or how I look.
I dont have alot of friends and it seems I lose them once they get really close. I have about 3 close friends and 1 best friend who is moving in the end of July. I'm really shy untill you get to know me.. so it seems.
I hate being alone and at time it seems unless I change who I am, thats all I'll ever be. If I want people to talk to me I have to act like an idiot who turns everything into a sex joke, acts like a very *friendly* person, even started a rumor about myself that I can be seen in pornos on lime wire, and I really hate myself for thinking this is the only way to get noticed.
I dont live with my parents ever since my dad kiddnapped me when I was younger, they are divorced now (and have been for almost 8 years) and constantly complaining about money issues. Sometimes I think that I'm more of an adult than my mom and I'm constantly babysitting her. I live with other relatives who complain that their both too old to be raising a child and that I'm lazy and good for nothing around here, a waste of their time, money and energy.
I fall asleep crying most nights not having anything to do. I have a boy friend who moved to canada, I live in the states, and it really hurts to not be able to see him, and only talk to him on the computer. He is the only person I really talk to and when he's not home I have no one. I dont talk to my friends out side of school for the most part.
Sometimes I wish I got raped, or pregnant just for the attention..
I have resorted to books because its the only thing that takes my mind off things lately even though I hate to read. It allowes me to escape from the screaming I get from the moment I walk in the door till I fall asleep and sometimes it just gets too much.
I have so much bottled up but I dont have friends or family close enough that I feel comfortable talking about my problems with. I guess I feel more comfortable with complete strangers who dont know me with whom I can be completely honest with.
I get depressed alot and I dont know why, sometimes I think it's just because I'm alone but when ever I want to do things with people suddenly their busy or they jsut cant. All I am is a back up for people. I'm only good enough when there is no one else around. I never get to talk or express anything because I'm always just ignored or interupted. I feel like I'm so alone that it hurts.
My dad turning on me doesnt help much either. A few months ago he bought a house with his soon to be new wife and wastes all his money on her even though he cant afford it. Recently she's been hospitalized and he bought a plane ticket to go visit her there, when his landlord asked for rent he said his Girl Friend is his highest priority, when asked "What about your daughter?" he relpys with "she has her mother and everyone else." It's bad enough I have friends that dont care about me, but that hit me pretty hard.
There is so much more I want to say but it gets harder and harder for me to think. I just want to get as far away from here as possible. College seems so far away and I want it so bad.
If you have come this far in reading, thank you and if you have any "tips" or "ideas" on anything to get me out of this endless cycle of depression and lies I would really appreciate it..