Post by Kat on Apr 18, 2006 18:27:06 GMT -5
*sighs* Gosh, this is so complicated, but I feel so horrible about it. Everyday, I come home from school and I feel like dirt. I've been through tough things before, but never like this.
It's so hard to explain, and come to think of it, I don't even know why it upsets me so much. But one of the things I hate is that I feels like I can't talk to anyone about it. It seems like nobody understands--or at least, like nobody cares. Things get harder everyday; you would expect that the situation would cool off, but alas.
I'll try to explain it as best I can...I'll try...
It started way back in June of last year...sort of, I guess. I used to hang out with this girl, which will be known as Emma, and her friend, which I will call Nathalie. Last year, when I was in grade 7, I had hardly any friends, after I stopped being friends with someone else, and none of the people hung out with her liked me (but that's another story...). Emma was one of my only friends that year, and I was thankfui for her. She was in grade 8, though, so I hardly ever got to see her.
Now, the significance in this is that Emma and Nathalie also hung out with two other people--Sara and Sam (or so they shall be named ). By the end of the year, we were all pretty good friends...pretty good friends. I didn't have any best friends, and the people who I did consider my friends didn't talk much. Basically, they were the closest friends I had.
Sam and Sara were best friends at the time, but Sara was very...well, dependant. She does things like, "Hey, Kat, will you come to the bathroom with me?" It's just like, "no, Sara. You're a big girl; you can do that yourself."
One time she went to the social worker to get a lunch from her because 'her sandwich was too spicy.' Yeah, you get the idea. She's really nice and all, but she's a bit, well, immature. Sometimes I think she needs to go back to kindergarten.
Sam got annoyed at Sara a lot, and it wasn't really a healthy relationship. Anyway, I really took a liking to Sam, so this year, when she switched into my class, I hung out mainly with her, Sara, and my other friend, which will be known as Jess.
We were all super good friends, although Jess had lots of other friends she hung out with, so it was mostly a trio. But you see, Sam and I had so much in common, we discovered, and we became really, really good friends. It was no surprise when she told me that I was her best friend; I had seen it coming for the longest time. And the thing is, she was an amazing friend. She was really the perfect friend...until, of course, the illusion shattered.
Sometime in January, we were...well, it's complicated, and hard to explain without going into full detail. Basically, we got in a physical fight, and guess who started it? Sam was really rotten to me after that, even though I didn't really see myself as guilty for anything. Every little chance she got, she showed me just how mad she was! Gosh, it was dreadful! At the time, we were locker partners, and so it starts at our locker, right after lunch recess. As I unlocked the locker and knelt down to get my things on the bottom shelf, Sara came over to wait for me. Then Sam came, and she decided to be really mean.
Stepping right beside me, she bodychecked me out of the way. I feel to the side and shot her a piercing glare. Hatred burned in my eyes, but I did not fight back to what she had done. This wasn't the first time. At lunch, she had done exactly the same thing. When I cried, "don't push!" she had simply snapped, "oh, sorry. I didn't see you down there." Yet she was not truly sorry. Her tone portrayed everything. Of course, she was being visibly sarcastic. I knew she had done it on purpose, but I held my tongue. What was done was done. I figured I should give her some space before she got physical again.
As she left, she locked the locker, and now we were more than a few minutes late. She was fully aware of this as she strutted away, head held high, almost as if she was superior to us. But I knew better. "Hey, Sam!" Sara snapped, "at least leave it open!"
Yet the faint clicking sound from the tiny mechanism already said everything: too late. "She knows the combo, she can do it herself!"
Of course I could. The question was, could I do it before the bell rings? I sighed. Sam was already disappearing down the hall. Sara was nice enough to offer her support, saying, "I'll wait for you."
I flashed her a faint smile, then open the locker. As I pulled out my books, I talked briefly to Sara. "I just don't understand what I did!" I moaned, "I mean, why does she have to be so...so...evil to me?"
Sara nodded in agreement. "Stupid," she agreed scornfully. We exchanged glances, then, I locked the door and we ran to class.
It was French, and we came in just in time. As I walked over to my spot, Sam passed by, a dictionary in her hands. It was an excuse to come by my seat, I figured. As she passed me, she literally hissed in my ear. "If you hate me, don't go running to Sara, say it to my face!"
"I DIDN'T!" I burst out, but she was gone already. Thankfully, no one noticed in all the noise my class had made. I scowled deeply and plopped down in my chair. Apparently Sara had tried to confront Sam without telling me. I honestly wished she had at least asked me first, otherwise it could have been avoided.
This class started strangely, though. My principal was retiring, and that day she was away from the school. My principal had decided to take advantage of her absence, and leave a little surprise in her office. "Who can blow up and tie a balloon?" she'd asked. Several students put up their hands, and she distributed balloons to most of them. I didn't bother. I was too upset.
About ten minutes passed with the class blowing up balloons and tying them. Then, she'd said, "come with me!" and off they went. Everyone carrying a balloon left. There were only about seven people left, Sam and I among them.
Taking advantage of the teacher's absence, Sam came over, pushed away the chair of the girl beside me, who was gone, and squatted down on the floor facing me. I stared at her.
"So, tell me, what is it?"
"I'm sorry?" I asked, baffled.
"What do you hate about me?"
"I didn't go complaining to Sara about anything, gosh!"
"Yeah, sure."
"The only thing I said was that I didn't understand why you were being so mean to me! I mean, I didn't really do anything!"
"Yes, you did. You did a lot."
I frowned. The night before, there was a long period of time when Sam was yelling at me angrily, due to forces beyond my control.
"Not today!"
"No, but yesterday you did!"
"Well, OK, I'm sorry about yesterday!" I put particular sarcasm on the word 'sorry,' but it seemed to Sam that any apology was a good one. She just sort of sat there, staring blankly as though she was trying to figure out what to do.
The thing was, it had been a complete accident. An instinctive response. I just mean, when someone says you did something that bothered them, don't you automatically apologize? That's what I did. Only during that long, painful pause, did I realize the magnitude of what I had done.
By this time, the room was bustling with activity. People came in, chairs squeaked against the floor...noise flooded in as quickly as the stream of people. Sam's supposed 'worst enemy', for some crazy reason, decided this would be a good opportunity to express her supposed hatred for Sam. She pushed her desk hard, causing it to collide with that of the girl beside me. The impact caused her desk to lurch forward, and was heading straight for Sam. I quickly put my hand in between them, though, and shoved the desk right back at her.
"You pig, you did that on purpose!" I snapped. I hadn't really realized it, but it looked like I was standing up for her, when really I would have done this for anyone.
The girl who sat beside me was here by now, and she was yelling at Sam. "Get out of the way! Let me sit down!"
Right before the class was over, Sam finally said, "OK. Me, too." Then, she left.
Later, she embraced me, and asked if we were still friends. "I guess..." I said slowly. I wasn't sure. I hadn't meant to apologize. Instinct had taken over, and I regretted it so.
"It's a yes or no question..." she said.
"OK...yes." I only hesitated a moment. It's really hard to say to someone, "no! Get out of my life and don't talk to me anymore!" when they're hugging you tightly. I felt like I just couldn't say no...
Basically, we made up. So the second type, it was just a repeat of the events. Only the third time did reality hit me, and hard. The illusions shattered, and my life came crashing down with it. Hurt and upset, my mom and I spoke first to the school social worker, who did nothing. Annoyed, we went to the vice principal. Same response. Finally, the principal. Still nothing. In the end, we turned to the police. We didn't press charges or anything, but they went to talk to her; I hoped it would be a wake up call for her. I respected her about it, too; didn't tell anyone. She, on the other hand, went around and told the whole school.
She freaked out so much that she switched classes and, it seems, turned all my friends against me. A lot of them don't talk to me anymore, and I can never hang out with them because she's there. It's horrible. Furthermore, Sara and Jess...well, I don't really feel like I'm getting any support from them. They're great friends and all, but apparently it's over now. Sara is also being stupid now, going back and being friends with Sam. It's horrible. It may seem small, but believe me, it's not.
I'm sorry that was so long. There's my rant. I would much appreciate it if you gave me a bit of your time to give me some advice and stuff. Most of the people in my school--including people who I thought were my friends--hate me now because of what she's told them; I haven't gone around telling anyone anything, but I can't say the same for her.
It's so hard to explain, and come to think of it, I don't even know why it upsets me so much. But one of the things I hate is that I feels like I can't talk to anyone about it. It seems like nobody understands--or at least, like nobody cares. Things get harder everyday; you would expect that the situation would cool off, but alas.
I'll try to explain it as best I can...I'll try...
It started way back in June of last year...sort of, I guess. I used to hang out with this girl, which will be known as Emma, and her friend, which I will call Nathalie. Last year, when I was in grade 7, I had hardly any friends, after I stopped being friends with someone else, and none of the people hung out with her liked me (but that's another story...). Emma was one of my only friends that year, and I was thankfui for her. She was in grade 8, though, so I hardly ever got to see her.
Now, the significance in this is that Emma and Nathalie also hung out with two other people--Sara and Sam (or so they shall be named ). By the end of the year, we were all pretty good friends...pretty good friends. I didn't have any best friends, and the people who I did consider my friends didn't talk much. Basically, they were the closest friends I had.
Sam and Sara were best friends at the time, but Sara was very...well, dependant. She does things like, "Hey, Kat, will you come to the bathroom with me?" It's just like, "no, Sara. You're a big girl; you can do that yourself."
One time she went to the social worker to get a lunch from her because 'her sandwich was too spicy.' Yeah, you get the idea. She's really nice and all, but she's a bit, well, immature. Sometimes I think she needs to go back to kindergarten.
Sam got annoyed at Sara a lot, and it wasn't really a healthy relationship. Anyway, I really took a liking to Sam, so this year, when she switched into my class, I hung out mainly with her, Sara, and my other friend, which will be known as Jess.
We were all super good friends, although Jess had lots of other friends she hung out with, so it was mostly a trio. But you see, Sam and I had so much in common, we discovered, and we became really, really good friends. It was no surprise when she told me that I was her best friend; I had seen it coming for the longest time. And the thing is, she was an amazing friend. She was really the perfect friend...until, of course, the illusion shattered.
Sometime in January, we were...well, it's complicated, and hard to explain without going into full detail. Basically, we got in a physical fight, and guess who started it? Sam was really rotten to me after that, even though I didn't really see myself as guilty for anything. Every little chance she got, she showed me just how mad she was! Gosh, it was dreadful! At the time, we were locker partners, and so it starts at our locker, right after lunch recess. As I unlocked the locker and knelt down to get my things on the bottom shelf, Sara came over to wait for me. Then Sam came, and she decided to be really mean.
Stepping right beside me, she bodychecked me out of the way. I feel to the side and shot her a piercing glare. Hatred burned in my eyes, but I did not fight back to what she had done. This wasn't the first time. At lunch, she had done exactly the same thing. When I cried, "don't push!" she had simply snapped, "oh, sorry. I didn't see you down there." Yet she was not truly sorry. Her tone portrayed everything. Of course, she was being visibly sarcastic. I knew she had done it on purpose, but I held my tongue. What was done was done. I figured I should give her some space before she got physical again.
As she left, she locked the locker, and now we were more than a few minutes late. She was fully aware of this as she strutted away, head held high, almost as if she was superior to us. But I knew better. "Hey, Sam!" Sara snapped, "at least leave it open!"
Yet the faint clicking sound from the tiny mechanism already said everything: too late. "She knows the combo, she can do it herself!"
Of course I could. The question was, could I do it before the bell rings? I sighed. Sam was already disappearing down the hall. Sara was nice enough to offer her support, saying, "I'll wait for you."
I flashed her a faint smile, then open the locker. As I pulled out my books, I talked briefly to Sara. "I just don't understand what I did!" I moaned, "I mean, why does she have to be so...so...evil to me?"
Sara nodded in agreement. "Stupid," she agreed scornfully. We exchanged glances, then, I locked the door and we ran to class.
It was French, and we came in just in time. As I walked over to my spot, Sam passed by, a dictionary in her hands. It was an excuse to come by my seat, I figured. As she passed me, she literally hissed in my ear. "If you hate me, don't go running to Sara, say it to my face!"
"I DIDN'T!" I burst out, but she was gone already. Thankfully, no one noticed in all the noise my class had made. I scowled deeply and plopped down in my chair. Apparently Sara had tried to confront Sam without telling me. I honestly wished she had at least asked me first, otherwise it could have been avoided.
This class started strangely, though. My principal was retiring, and that day she was away from the school. My principal had decided to take advantage of her absence, and leave a little surprise in her office. "Who can blow up and tie a balloon?" she'd asked. Several students put up their hands, and she distributed balloons to most of them. I didn't bother. I was too upset.
About ten minutes passed with the class blowing up balloons and tying them. Then, she'd said, "come with me!" and off they went. Everyone carrying a balloon left. There were only about seven people left, Sam and I among them.
Taking advantage of the teacher's absence, Sam came over, pushed away the chair of the girl beside me, who was gone, and squatted down on the floor facing me. I stared at her.
"So, tell me, what is it?"
"I'm sorry?" I asked, baffled.
"What do you hate about me?"
"I didn't go complaining to Sara about anything, gosh!"
"Yeah, sure."
"The only thing I said was that I didn't understand why you were being so mean to me! I mean, I didn't really do anything!"
"Yes, you did. You did a lot."
I frowned. The night before, there was a long period of time when Sam was yelling at me angrily, due to forces beyond my control.
"Not today!"
"No, but yesterday you did!"
"Well, OK, I'm sorry about yesterday!" I put particular sarcasm on the word 'sorry,' but it seemed to Sam that any apology was a good one. She just sort of sat there, staring blankly as though she was trying to figure out what to do.
The thing was, it had been a complete accident. An instinctive response. I just mean, when someone says you did something that bothered them, don't you automatically apologize? That's what I did. Only during that long, painful pause, did I realize the magnitude of what I had done.
By this time, the room was bustling with activity. People came in, chairs squeaked against the floor...noise flooded in as quickly as the stream of people. Sam's supposed 'worst enemy', for some crazy reason, decided this would be a good opportunity to express her supposed hatred for Sam. She pushed her desk hard, causing it to collide with that of the girl beside me. The impact caused her desk to lurch forward, and was heading straight for Sam. I quickly put my hand in between them, though, and shoved the desk right back at her.
"You pig, you did that on purpose!" I snapped. I hadn't really realized it, but it looked like I was standing up for her, when really I would have done this for anyone.
The girl who sat beside me was here by now, and she was yelling at Sam. "Get out of the way! Let me sit down!"
Right before the class was over, Sam finally said, "OK. Me, too." Then, she left.
Later, she embraced me, and asked if we were still friends. "I guess..." I said slowly. I wasn't sure. I hadn't meant to apologize. Instinct had taken over, and I regretted it so.
"It's a yes or no question..." she said.
"OK...yes." I only hesitated a moment. It's really hard to say to someone, "no! Get out of my life and don't talk to me anymore!" when they're hugging you tightly. I felt like I just couldn't say no...
Basically, we made up. So the second type, it was just a repeat of the events. Only the third time did reality hit me, and hard. The illusions shattered, and my life came crashing down with it. Hurt and upset, my mom and I spoke first to the school social worker, who did nothing. Annoyed, we went to the vice principal. Same response. Finally, the principal. Still nothing. In the end, we turned to the police. We didn't press charges or anything, but they went to talk to her; I hoped it would be a wake up call for her. I respected her about it, too; didn't tell anyone. She, on the other hand, went around and told the whole school.
She freaked out so much that she switched classes and, it seems, turned all my friends against me. A lot of them don't talk to me anymore, and I can never hang out with them because she's there. It's horrible. Furthermore, Sara and Jess...well, I don't really feel like I'm getting any support from them. They're great friends and all, but apparently it's over now. Sara is also being stupid now, going back and being friends with Sam. It's horrible. It may seem small, but believe me, it's not.
I'm sorry that was so long. There's my rant. I would much appreciate it if you gave me a bit of your time to give me some advice and stuff. Most of the people in my school--including people who I thought were my friends--hate me now because of what she's told them; I haven't gone around telling anyone anything, but I can't say the same for her.