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Post by Rachel on May 26, 2006 22:01:19 GMT -5
I dont really know whats going on right now with me and my dad.
Basically..him and my mum have never been in a relationship while ive been alive. They slept together,and wham bam..9 months later they got me ;D (hes also had 2 other kids with my mum,20 and 25yrs ago). Hes never been a very good dad. He wasnt there all the time,and didnt make effort when we were all younger. I sometimes felt neglected by him,and i got to see him more often then my brothers did cos i was a girl! and he always wanted a daughter,so i dont know how bad my brothers must have felt over it all. But we hardly saw him while we were growing up. He wouldnt pay child support for any of us,and if he had to see us,he would always cancel,or be really late. He would say his car had broke down,or he had to do a job for someone,or some other lame excuse.
But for the past 2yrs or so,hes been really involved. Like seeing me everyday,phoning me a lot and giving me pocket money,buying me things and stuff like that. I cant be bothered to go into detail..but with the way he acts with me,some have said it sounds like emotional child abuse. But the other day,something happened,and i rang him for support and if he would come over to visit me to help me with something and cos i was scared,and he virtually said no,he had other things to do,and that me been scared wasnt anything to worry about. I told him he didnt understand,and slammed the phone down on him. Since then..he hasnt been in touch. He hasnt come over,and he certainly hasnt rang me. I spoke with his girlfriend on msn the other night,and she asked me if me and him had fallen out,i said "is that what my dad said?" and she replied with "yes"
He couldnt possibly love me if hes doing this could he?
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Post by vy on May 26, 2006 22:35:08 GMT -5
Dear Rachel:
Love is a funny thing. Sounds like you love your dad a lot, and I'm sorry to hear that this is happening, because it must be so hard. He doesn't sound like the best dad in the world, but you know what? He's your dad, and I'm sure you know and understand him better then any of us on the site. If he has good reason for being this way, or none at all - I'm sure you know.
Sounds like he is trying though, but it is up to you to decide what to do next. Do you still want to continue this relationship with your dad, or what do you want? If you are unsure as to what to do, or need more details, I suggest that you talk to him.
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Post by WilD CherrY on May 27, 2006 5:18:34 GMT -5
I think he loves you maybe he just doesn't know what it takes to be a dad and not a sperm donor! Maybe call him and see what's up?
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Post by Rachel on May 27, 2006 12:03:28 GMT -5
Well he phoned me this morning,as if nothing had happened. He came over,and spent the afternoon here,not even mentioning what has happened over the past 2days. I was offish with him at first,but then everything went back to normal.
The thing i hate is,he just doesnt understand. Im very depressed,and i self harm,and am quite suicidal. He knows NONE of this,but suspects im not exactly 'healthy' for a normal and regular teen. He still carries on taking the mickey out of me,saying im nothing,and ugly etc (but trying to do it in a joking way,but yet it still hurts..and thats when the emotional abuse thing comes in) I dont really want to go into details about that at the moment though.
And also..after all that hes done in the past (or what he hasnt done to put it correctly) he comes waltzing into my life at the easier times when im older,and after leaving my mum to bring us up in the younger and harder stages. And he goes around telling everyone that im nasty to him,that i always gob off at him and i treat him really badly. Yet hes the one that treats me badly,and occasionally ill give him some lip back,and he doesnt like it. He doesnt have any respect for me in my opinion,and tells me i dont need respect,but he does. And also..whenever hes in the wrong,he'll put on a really sad voice as if he's so sorry,and then i end up feeling sorry for him,and pathetic that i just upset him! But i shouldnt feel like that! he shouldnt get away with it..
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Post by Beautiful Disaster on May 27, 2006 14:59:13 GMT -5
Here is a question - Do you want him in your life like this or do you think your better off with out him?
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Post by GrapeJuice on May 27, 2006 15:36:09 GMT -5
Hey Rach your dad doesn't sound like hes a very good father and I understand why you are feeling this way. I think Beautiful Disaster had a good point. If you feel like you would be better off with out him then maybe tell him how you feel don't let him just act like nothing happened! I think that is the most annoying thing when peopple do something and then try to ignore it so they don't have to be responsible for there actions. Your dad needs to grow up and be a man. I think the only thing you can do is talk to him yourself and If he doesn't want to listen the so be it. I know its hard because he IS your dad but sometimes even when its family we can be better off without them in our lifes bringing us down more then bringing us up. I would also let him know its not right to just walk into your life when its convienent for him! If I was in that position I would do everything on MY time.
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Post by vy on May 27, 2006 15:37:15 GMT -5
Dear Rachel:
No, he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it, I agree. Unfortunatley, nothing of the past can be changed, what you can do is choose what you want for the future.
Sounds like you love him, but what he is doing doesn't sound very healthy. He has no right to say any of those mean or cruel things to you. Even if he is your dad, you don't have to allow this type of action to continue.
If staying away from him makes you more comfortable, then I suggest you consider it.
Take care.
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Post by Rachel on May 27, 2006 18:55:22 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies. Yeah i do love him,but also,i think i have a problem with my anger. I get very worked up so quickly over tiny things that dont go right. Or if im in a bad mood ill take it out on anyone thats near me. Im not bad where i start swearing or destroying things (i have never done that,but feel like i could),but then again,i do sometimes get very ratty with items near me and would throw them or slam them down. I just come across as really angry and nasty,and people get annoyed by it and have a go at me and say i shouldnt shout at them. I do this a hell of a lot to my dad,and i can tell when hes disappointed in me,or doesnt like me at that point in time. When i answer the question of whether i want him in my life or not. My answer is yes. I do want him in my life,but i think ive got some things i need to deal with. Like how he hasnt always been there for me,and when i get angry at people,especially him,and it really affects my relationship with him. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Viper
Junior Member
[ss:BlueTwilight]
Posts: 167
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Post by Viper on May 27, 2006 23:09:44 GMT -5
Try telling him that you get angry real easy and that it is not just him... I cant really think of anything else right now... Sorry
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Post by Rachel on May 28, 2006 7:59:57 GMT -5
He knows i get angry easily,and very moody easily. Like as an example from yesterday: He wanted me to scan something,but the scanner wasnt plugged in,and when we eventually got it working,it went all weird,and i got really ratty with it and slammed the cables on top of it and walked away in a huff.
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Post by allianne on May 30, 2006 1:32:42 GMT -5
Well, it sounds like u have a lot of pent up anger and frustration at ur dad...and u have a right to. But, if you want a better relationship with ur dad u gotta be able to talk to him. You need to be able to tell him what he's done wrong to u and how it's made u feel. You gotta get over the past before you can move on.
But nothing is going to change between you if he's not willing to make the effort too. So, he's playing out the father part. Buying things, being with you, calling you...hun, that's the easy part. He's avoiding the emotional baggage that comes along with it. He's probably sounding guilty over missing out on ur childhood. If that's the case, maybe he's not totally ready to be a father yet. He might be trying, but he'll listen to u if he's really willing to make an effort.
Or...maybe there's something else that has influenced him to be involved with u? Maybe his girlfriend has been persuading him to call u more often? It's a horrible thought but..for some reason, he's not being a dad. It could be that it's hard for him, or that he doesn't want to. Either way, look how far you've come without him! Father's are important, but if all he's doing is stressing you out and hurting you, maybe ur better off without him
The only solution I know of is talking to him. Maybe he won't listen, maybe he will. It'll hurt if he can't be there for you, but at least you won't have to deal with any guilt later on. By talking to him, you're making a full effort and after that, at least you know that u did the right thing and it's his fault.
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Post by Rachel on Jun 1, 2006 21:57:32 GMT -5
Thanks allianne. Hes definately not been pushed or influenced by someone,especially his girlfriend. If she had full choice over it,she would stop him seeing me altogether.
I cant exactly figure my dad out. The other day he went a little bit serious (just a little bit,but after he mentioned it,he tried changing the subject) about something he's been feeling lately. Hes been getting a feeling/message inside of him,asking him if hes ready to go over to the other side. This has totally freaked me out,cos he even said that hes become relaxed about the thought of death (whereas before it scared him to death..lol so to speak) Im quite worried now..
I know thats got nothing to do with the actual reason i made this post,but its just worried me.
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Post by allianne on Jun 6, 2006 22:36:35 GMT -5
You replied!! Dang it, i'm always behind!!
Woah, ur dad is ok with dying? The way he's talking about it could be a warning sign...at least it sounds that way to me. Some people become accepting to death and things as they get older, but I doesn't really sound like he should be thinking those thoughts.
It could be related to how's he's been treating u. If he's starting to not care if he's alive, then he might try pulling away from others. Has he been feeling down about something? Maybe ur guy's relationship is tough for him to figure out and he's starting to feel like a bad dad. Children are usually a parent's life, and if he's starting to feel regret and stuff, maybe he thinks everything would be easier if he were dead?
Did it sound pretty suicidal when he said it, or was he just sort of...I don't know..being thoughtful? (I lack a better word for it) Some people don't fear death, but...sorry hun, I wish I could actually give u more advice.
Either way, he's worrying u. Maybe u could tell ur mom? You shouldn't have to have this stressing u out and hanging over ur head. I would say to bring it up with ur dad again, but it doesn't sound like he'd talk about it. Hope it gets figured out.
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Post by vy on Jun 7, 2006 23:26:04 GMT -5
Dear Rachel:
He trusts you enough to tell you how he feels about death. He might not be the best dad, but he is trying.
To be fair, no one is truly read to be a parent. All they can do is try, and that is seem through progress. Is he not a better dad to you now then before?
My Grandpa never treated my mom as his daughter: he beat her, and was very abusive to her. My mom loves him, but it was always hard for her to get over her cruel childhood - there was always resentment and anger. When we found out he was ill, it didn't matter any more. It didn't matter what he was like in the past, we just wanted to be at his side, and he pasted away a few weeks later.
You are lucky enough to have the chance to be with your father, so why not reconsider it, instead of regretting what could have been?
Good Luck Rachel.
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